Finally figured it out

The NikePlus, that is. I had two runs disappear into the ether before I could get one on my NikePlus account to stick! But, here’s the big winner, from this morning:

I ran a 5k in under 35 minutes! I felt really good until about the last 1/2 mile, which was this long steady incline and just killed me. Luckily there’d been some downhill parts earlier in the run, so I think my pace averaged out pretty well. I hope I can match that pace at the race next week. I’ve never had to run in a crowd, so I don’t know how that’ll go… for those of you that run races, do you find that slows you down? I also know that I’m not going to be anywhere near the front of the pack off the start, so that’ll add some time/distance to the total. We’ll see. At least I know I can do it!

If I can just rant for a moment. I know that lots of us with weight issues have complicated relationships with family members about our weight. For me it’s my mom. She has a naturally slender build and just never ate a lot while I was growing up (I think she had a disordered relationship with food, which I’m sure had an effect but I don’t fully grasp it). She had 4 kids in 10 years and is to this day a size 4/6. She was never able to understand why losing weight was difficult for my father (whose build I got) and me. She would say things like “it’s just calories in versus calories out, eat less, what’s so hard about that?”

I remember her making comments about my size when I was in junior high and high school – when I never weighed more than about 155 lbs.  I was always on the high end of healthy weight for my height, but not overweight. I have my Dad’s Italian genes – very curvy/filled out and voluptuous. For a long time I thought I was fat all those years. Only recently looking at photos from then have I realized that I wasn’t.  However, I constantly heard things like, “that dress would look much better if you just lost 5 lbs” or “do you really need all that food on your plate?” Eventually, you start to believe it.  I think the main reason I gained a lot of weight in college and after is that my fat was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believed I was fat, so I acted like I was fat, so I became fat. There were definitely other family dynamics at work, as well, which are for another post/therapy session. Suffice it to say, I didn’t feel like I could get attention any other way than by having a weight issue. I felt like I wasn’t good enough at anything to get positive attention, so my weight was my way of “acting out”, just like some kids get into drinking or drugs or sex for attention. I got into food.

This is all a VERY long introduction to my current beef with my mother. You’d think, after all these years, she’d be ecstatic that I’m finally losing weight and getting in shape. So last weekend I was telling her about my 5k, and giving her the pertinent info (when, where) and she says “Oh, that’s pretty early on a Sunday morning, I don’t think I’m going to make it.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Every time I think I’ve come around from needing her approval she proves me wrong. I can’t even begin to count the times she went somewhere at an inconvenient time for my brother’s baseball tournaments. It’s like nothing I ever do is enough. She’ll never be proud of me for just doing my best. I spent four years in therapy during college trying to come to terms with it and learning how to not require her approval to live my life. And I’ve gotten a lot better, I have a handle on it in every area but this one. I have to get over it. But I can’t.

So that’s that.

End rant.

In related news, I have an appointment with a new shrink on Monday.

Wish me luck at WI tomorrow morning!



Filed under Family, Health

2 responses to “Finally figured it out

  1. Fantastic job on the run!!! Woo Hoo!!! 🙂

  2. OMG! I could have written this post on your mother and disordered eating. My mother is 4/6 and she even commented within the last year that “being fat is a fixable problem”. Argh! Congrats on the run!!!

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